How do you burn yourself making a cup of coffee?? Well I’m sure there are plenty of ways actually now I come to think of it. I certainly remember a slew of legal cases in the late 80s/early 90s where people sued because they spilled hot coffee over themselves. Some of the fucking idiots actually won.
Lawyer: So you had no idea the contents of the cup would be hot when you purchased it?
Mr X: No, none at all.
Lawyer: The fact that there was no use of the word hot in the product name must have confused you?
Mr X: Exactly. If I buy hot chocolate I hold it with oven gloves and only place it on secure surfaces.
Lawyer: Understandable confusion I think we can all agree [Makes eye contact with stupid looking juror who is nodding]. And what about the container? Was there any warning that the contents would be hot?
Mr X: None sir. Lawyer: And the fact that you are not an alien who has no experience of human life hasn’t meant you would just assume a cup of freshly bought coffee would be very hot?
Mr X: I have a bad memory. Lawyer: So with this container of liquid in hand you then proceeded to your car and balanced it on your lap whilst driving over a bumpy road?
Mr X: I assumed the cup made out of paper with a thin plastic lid would be secure Etc etc
Cut to man being awarded half a million dollars and McDonalds, Starbucks et all having to write THIS CUP MAY CONTAIN VERY HOT MATERIALS AND SCALD YOU IF YOU POOR IT OVER YOUR SKIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT on their cups.
What’s this go to do with you Phil? I hear you ask. Well this morning I became the idiot. Whilst preparing my breakfast, most important meal of the day kids, I reached over my kettle for the jar of Nescafe and simultaneously the kettle boiled, vomiting steam straight at the naked flesh of my arm. Proper burned it, I did.
You can all relax, I’m not physically dead. I’m not gonna die. And I mean never. Pretty sure I’m some kind of God. Though maybe one of those shit ones. Like **NAME OF DEITY DELETED THROUGH FEAR OF RELIGIOUS RETRIBUTION OF ANY KIND – THOUGH THAT DOES INCLUDE A FATWA IT IS IN NO WAY SPECIFICALLY SUGGESTING A FATWA**.
I digress..I’m ok, but I intend to launch a class action law suit so that in future all steam comes with a warning. I just don’t know who to sue. The water providers? The kettle makers? Me?
Postscript: I realise it has been a while since I last did a blog and you might have been hoping for something more than this when I returned. Sorry. In retrospect I doubt anyone was hoping I would ever write a blog again so I hereby rescind the apology.
