Begging You

I think the time has come to form some form of agreement with homeless people. I don’t mean one where they get homes – sure that would be great, but they’d only turn it into a drug den wouldn’t they? Plus we all like having them on the streets really. No-one wants to admit it, but no matter whats going on at work or home you can always think “At least I’m not that bearded alky smelling of shit over there (actually that’s just most people, I don’t have that luxury. When I have a beard). No, that’s not the sort of agreement that I’m talking about. I’m talking about some agreement on begging, and when it’s acceptable.

I am fed up of being asked for money when I’m trying to go about my daily routine of ignoring the world and hating the things that inhabit the same planet as me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very sympathetic (I’m not but you’ve got to say you are haven’t you?) for the plight of anyone who has got to the level where pissing themselves is ‘just another thing I do’. I think its terrible that some people don’t have houses (they’re the ones laughing when its very hot though aren’t they? When I’m tossing and turning in my luxury duvet, throwing my Egyptian cotton sheets off because I’m a bit hot – the homeless man is laughing as he sleeps underneath the stars with a slight breeze cooling him, and taking away the smell of shit a bit. Who is laughing then? Its not me I’ll tell you. I already to struggle to sleep, I’d kill to be in a shop doorway with a bottle of cider and a remarkably healthy looking dog.) and that some people smell when they scrape the money together to get a bus and sit near me. Yes, I hear their pain – but I don’t want to be giving them money every fucking day.

What I’m proposing is not abject ignorance or me being mean. I suggest that for a token sum (£5) you could pay for some kind of arm-band or badge which would denote you as someone who could not be begged (to?at?). The money would go to Microsoft or Apple who could use the money to develop the technology to kill homeless people humanely. Haha! I got you, I’m not that evil. The money could be used for the good of the homeless people. I would suggest the homeless community be allowed to vote on what the money was spent on, but it would just be drugs wouldn’t it? So, best we just build them a shelter. In return they would have to promise to leave people alone who were wearing the badge/arm-band. If they ignored ignoring them they would be banned from the shelter – and maybe get a bit of a kicking.

It’s a great system and would improve my life immensely. Last night I walked the long way home from the chippy becaue I didn’t want to walk past a homeless man again. I had already said no once but I knew he would ask again. The twat. I didn’t say I had no change, which maybe would allow him to ask again once I came out of a shop having maybe obtained some change. I said “no”. So, I walked the long way back to my own house. I bet he would (literally) piss his sides if he knew what he’d put me through. “Haaaa! He has walked the long way home, with his chicken and chips maybe being slightly colder than they would have been had he taken the more direct route past me. Its taken him longer to get home, the prick. Nor to mention the fact that in a way he has walked in my house as I’m homeless so everywhere is my house”. That’s the kind of thinking that leads to people being homeless – his very name means he has no home or house, not that outside is his house. And I wanted my chicken and chips to be a bit colder so up yours.

But seriously what do I have to do to be left alone? Walking around with a scowl on my face doesn’t work (that goes for more than homeless people though, normal people don’t leave me alone either). I need to find something that repels homeless people, maybe I should dress up as a house. Or a job. Or not a drug addiction. The only sensible solution seems to be my scheme, at least they get something out of it.

Wow, managed to get through that without resorting to the cliché about them always begging outside Greggs or an ATM. One last thing though, Big Issue vendors, with your little vests ‘It’s not begging, its working’: I suppose it is kind of working, but its like begging to isn’t it? In the way you’re annoying and people try not to make eye contact with you. And you’re asking people to buy the rubbish paper in an annoying mithering way, rather than waiting to be asked.