He’s not the messiah he’s a very wealthy boy

One thing hasn’t changed since the interim appointment of Alan Shearer as the new Christ at Newcastle: I still hope they go down. Regardless of his success, or failure, Shearer is a member of the exclusive club of two in Newcastle that means he will still be adored by the toothless, ugly, retarded bastards who populate St James Park on a fortnightly basis. Even though it was likely he could do anything and get away with it (maybe not anything, the Gallowgate faithful might start to slow handclap him off the field if he dragged the rotting skeleton of ‘wor Jackie’ on to the centre circle and proceeded to fuck it like a mule. They might not though), this really is a position in which there is no real failure. Stay up and his legend only multiplies, they go down and it wasn’t his team, he didn’t have enough time and it wasn’t fair. And he’s got a big fucking pile of cash for doing it.

I don’t begrudge Alan Shearer his standing with the Newcastle public. I don’t like them or him so it’s a fitting couple in my mind. Unlike the affable Kevin Keegan, I’ve always been put off by Shearer’s stern front. Much like Kenny Daglish this is supposedly masking a very funny man. My definition of very funny differs it would seem. Very funny to these people seems to entail being (ranging from) quite to very dull and serious but occasionally making a very poor, shit joke. Everyone is that amazed that they think it shows a dry wit. In the same way that if a racist talking dog were to appear on Jonathon Ross people would give it’s ideas of an overcrowded Britain some credence (“It’s a talking dog, wearing glasses, it’s not going to spout some idiotic racist nonsense”). Cut through the chaff and you’ll see that a talking dog is still as thick as your average BNP member from Burnley if he’s saying the same things. Cut to Shearer announcing Iain Dowie’s involvement in his regime as “bringing in a fresh look, not so much a pretty one, but a fresh one”. Ha ha! Because Iain Dowie is fuckign grotesque, I see what you did there Alan. Why not just go straight for “these are ugly time at Newcassle, haway, but – haway – Iain’s a right ugly cunt if you ask me”?

Shearer insists that this is a ‘sabbatical’ from his job at the BBC in order to take on an impossible job. Notably satisfying the Geordie public’s ideas of what their club should be capable of – namely winning the World Cup EVERY YEAR with a CLUB TEAM and WINNING every game 4-3, even if it means LOSING every game. The justification for these dreams is that they nearly got relegated to the third tier of the game and within a decade got in a position where they were able to throw away the title. Not won naffin, nah. They threw a title away and had a couple of 4-3 losses to Liverpool. That is Keegan’s legacy. As one called to Talksport put it last night Keegan’s ‘I’d love it’ speech and Keegan on the steps at St James telling people to trust him when he sold Andy Cole will go down in history as great moments of Premiership management, what has Alex Ferguson got to compare to that? You feel a bit silly saying 11 titles as a comeback. It seems to obvious. But what would I know? I’m not from Newcastle so I cant understand football, not properly.