Day Off 2: The Revenge of Nothing

I couldn’t let my second day-off of the last few days go without some kind of summary. Especially as I basically just lay in bed, got up, walked to opticians, walked back, went back to bed. Of course though – nothing is that simple, there were a couple of minor incidents that I can over describe.

As hangovers go it wasn’t too bad. I went to see Richard Herring last night. Didn’t have too much to drink though as Ste is a fucking queeb and had to get his last bus home. He’s 31. I had the good idea of having a pint of water when I got in: I’m told its good for reducing hangover. Only, I made the pint of water out of a bottle of pear cider. And then fell asleep, fully clothed on the floor. Not all night though, I’m not a complete loser. I got up in the middle of the night and moved to the settee. Anyway, I did get to bed as my girlfriend was getting up for work. Three different sleeping places in seven hours. Yeah – look impressed mother fucker.

So when I woke up for the third time of the day it was, unfortuantely, not followed by another period of sleep somewhere nearby. You can’t have it all. And even if you do, does it make you happy? Not if you’re Ashley Cole. Instead of another period of sleep I had a period of watching the American version of The Office [I think that was quite a long way to go about describing it, but I don't think I left anyone reading that in any doubt as to what I was watching]. I am beginning to know that I prefer it to watching the original. I have thought it was for a while. But now I think I know it is. Soon it is likely that I will know it is better. Then I will begin to question my certainty. Such is the circle of life.

When I eventually left the house it was to go to the place I went when I left the house on my day-off on Friday, and I dont mean the cinema. Yes, dear reader, I went to the opticians again as I didnt have the ear bit curved curved enough and they were still sliding down my nose a bit. Though I am happy that I am now glasses wearer, I don’t want to be one of those people who is always nudging their glasses up their nose. On the way there I witnessed quite an odd thing. Now I cant be sure what I am going to describe is what I am going to say it is, but who gives a shit about accuracy? I saw 3 scally lads with a dog. The dog was sniffing up a wall and the lads were encouraging it. Then they took it behind the wall and were looking in some bushes. Now, I think they may have been looking for drugs using the dog. Maybe they were undercover police men, if they were they were very good at being undercover as they really looked like twatty scally bastards. I would love to say there was more information to offer on this but there isn’t.

The remainder off my journey to Specsavers was uneventful. So exactly the same as what I just described then. I was not bored though as I was listening to the Adam and Jo podcast, which is a bit naive as I know that they will make me laugh. I also think it is odd when you see people seemingly randomly laughing when you see them walking on the street. I was voluntarily being one of those people. I assume at least one person saw me, maybe thinking I had Downs Syndrome.

I treated myself to a subway on my way back. In the queue, in front of me, was an old woman. All she wanted was a cup of tea. Now I want to make it clear that she is entitled to want a cup of tea, Subway sell tea. It is not the oddest thing in the world that she was just buying a cup of tea. It would have been a lot odder if she had tried to evacuate the server of their sense of smell using only the act of mime [well even that's not the oddest thing but that could go on all day]. But she didn’t, she was asking for a cup of tea. Now I was in Withington, there are several places either side that I would go to for a cup of tea – cafes and wanky little shops. But she chose a shop that is essentially called ’sandwich’. It is called that because thats its main product, all the drinks and cookies are merely things to be sold WITH sandwiches. She chose this place above cafes and the like…but she might just like Subway tea, you fucking prick. Well I dont think she did, she had no idea how the ordering system at Subway works (I don’t know why this necessarily amazes me, why should someone know how it works? Especially if they are a, probably, smelly old woman with some beard hair who hasn’t been in before). Right…..she asked for a cup of tea…..and tried to give the money to the woman behind the counter as she was asking….right at the start of the subway counter. You know where you start…choose bread and filling and size, before you turn down/accept the offer of cheese for 20p extra, before you ask for it toasted/not toasted. Well before you ask for whatever salad you want. Ages before you ask for a dressing or sauce. Practically a lifetime before you pay, which is just after you turn down crisps and a drink (unless you want to pay around 80% extra for a drink and crisps than you would at a shop nearby). So she was fucking well early with the offer of financial reimbursement for the tea, the stupid old bastard. Proving it wasnt Subway tea that she craved, and she could have gone to somewhere not called by a word for a specific kind of sandwich, delaying my pointless day – in my almost pointless life – by about 45 seconds or so. The fucking slag, I hope she choked on the tea. Perhaps in an alley and is still lying there, undiscovered – with a cat pissing on her dead face.

In all seriousness I dont hope the woman died. I hope she is safe and sound. Maybe she could have not enjoyed the tea though, so she doesn’t hold up the honest-to-goodness sandwich wanters of the world in the future. To be fair, she is from a bygone age when, I imagine, there were tea shops on every corner – and subway shaped sandwich selling franchises were sparse and so this modern world is a confusing place for her. So I should be more understanding for her actions. And I shouldn’t have followed her home and stoved her skull in with a brick. I didn’t. And I didn’t want to as she looked at the Subway employee with a confused face when she asked her if she wanted a sandwich with her tea. No, I just thought ‘aw’.

So, another fun-filled entry there. Remainder of day: watched Wall Street (Is nothing made in the 1980s as good as I actually remember it being when I first watched it ages ago?) and doing little else.