Having My Collar Felt

Some worries are bigger than others. One of the things currently troubling me is shirt sizes. I don’t understand why they are based on collar sizes. Yes, I know that as there is corresponding chest size to each collar size one could say that they are separated by chest sizes; they aren’t marked up that way though are they? You have to root around the packaging to find out the chest size. The clothing industry has clearly decided that the collar size is the key factor. But isn’t it a jump to assume the size of a man’s torso based on his neck? For my part I was measured by a chap in the shop from which I was buying clothes and he told me I was a 16 ½ collar (“maybe you could get away with a 17” I don’t know what getting away with would entail in this scenario, but I knew I didn’t want to risk it) so I got some 16 ½ collar shirts. Laying one’s cards on the table this went against the beliefs of my better half who insisted I got 16 inch collars, though she couldn’t remember why and I went with trusting the man from the shop. He did have a tape measure, he must have had training and I didn’t have any reason to doubt him.

The shirts were too big for me. Not disastrously, but I like to feel smart when I’ve got a shirt on and that means a bit of a closer fit. That’s when my girlfriend remembered why I had got 16 inch shirts previously “the 16 ½ ones were too big for you and you didn’t like it because you preferred the closer fit of the 16 inch ones” she concluded correctly. At this stage I cant imagine there was a court in the land that would have convicted of anything other than having good character had I searched down the salesman from the shop and shot him once through the back of the head, gangland style. It may seem like an overreaction but it was the “might get away with a 17” remark. It would have been like trying to wear a circus big top. I’m wearing a 16 inch collar now and I’m quite comfortable so I think these so-called experts should think through what they say before they say it. There was no price difference between the sizes so it made no difference to his so-called bottom line. It makes me sick, and I think some people reading this may feel the way I felt, sadly not everyone has the same respect for the laws of this fine country as I do so I must ask, please don’t hunt down and kill the man from Debenhams in the Trafford Centre. But don’t trust him when he measures your neck.

I don’t even have a fat neck. It’s not a thin neck. But it’s not a fat one. I certainly don’t have an overly thin torso, so neither warrant why the shirts for my ideal collar size not fit me very well. On discussing this matter at work a wise colleague pointed out that this was the area of shirt making where there was least margin of error with regards fitting the wearer. It was the only sensible suggestion to the entire neck size driven shirt market debate. Still though, I don’t understand the strict regime at work here. I know that there are longer fitting shirts for taller gents but that’s typical of the special treatment given to the tall. But why arent there small, medium and large available in each collar size? It would seem there is a trend as  these devices exist for people whose collars are too tight for their (probably) fat bodies. Though my predicament would suggest I am too thin for my neck so shouldn’t really poke fun at these people who are too fat for their necks. I cant work that out in my head actually, are they the same as me? No, surely not I have gone down a neck size for a tighter fit. These people buying this have shirts with large necks because they are so fat – but their collar would be too big! I’ve got it, so they wouldn’t be buying this device at all – more likely to be eating I guess. These button devices are for cruelly damaged people like me. Still I think shirt designers need to buck up.

End Trans.