And John Terry can fuck off.

It would be predictable of me to be annoyed by the decision to rescind John Terry’s red card against Manchester City. Honestly, its not because he gets to play against us that I am falling into this predictable vexation (if I was the kind of person who made really shit jokes I was say I was glad he was playing and I hope he takes any penalties they might be awarded when they get awarded one for a striker blatantly diving. If I was that kind of person.). Mark Halsey says he sent him off for a cynical foul. Now I didn’t realise being cynical warranted breaking FA rules, perhaps all the England players who release an autobiography around the time of a major tournament should receive a three-game ban, or clubs be docked points for having a fourth kit.

I am assuming Halsey knows the rules better then me though. That hasn’t effected the fuss from people outraged that Terry wasn’t the last man and it therefore wasn’t a professional foul. Yeah but he wasn’t sent off for a professional foul. But look at the replay Carvalho is there, there is no way he’s the last man. Yeah, but it wasn’t a professional foul – he wasn’t sent off for bringing down the last man. But he’s not the last man, how can he send him off when he’s not the last man. Oh for fuck’s sake. When banging on about the rules lets be clear, the rule doesn’t say anything about the last man. It says a player can be red-carded if “denies an obvious goalscoring opportunity to an opponent moving towards the player’s goal by an offence punishable by a free kick or a penalty kick”. I’m not going to be the fool who says Jo was going to score, or that where he had the ball constituted an obvious opportunity, but it doesn’t matter if someone is the last man, regardless of consensus of opinion.

By quoting the rules though it puts me on the back foot; unsportsmanlike behaviour isn’t considered a sending-off offence and as much as I want to back up my opinion that it wasn’t a red card, I would be hard pushed to defend the opinion that it was serious foul play. But I suppose that depends on the interpretation. For most people it’s a two-footed lunge, or kicking someone up the arse. But can a foul be so cynical that it’s classed as serious foul play? I dunno but Mark Halsey did and one feels that a Middlesbrough player would just have to serve the ban. (I’m trying to get Gareth Southgate on my side here.) Before I finish I would say this, I was glad he was sent off because it was a snide foul. Terry wasn’t convinced he wasn’t the last man and it was a cynical little foul and it things like this I think the referees decision has to stand if he’s standing by it.

While I’m on football I have to mention the Newcastle saga. I’m not gonna bang on about what a shambles they are, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. The one thing about the whole thing which stood out for me was Ashley’s statement. It was the opening bit where he felt the need to establish his credentials as a football fan, in citing watching England in the 1986 World Cup being his earliest memory and how he’s loved football from then on. Well other than the 1985 cup final and maybe one or two league games that world cup is early on in my football memories, as well as watching Escape to Victory. But I’m 30, he’s 43. I was 8 that means he was….in his twenties?? And this was when he got into football? I know he was robbed of England in major finals in the 70s and I can’t expect him to remember the 1970 World Cup if I cant remember the 1983 FA Cup final but twenty-fucking-one? The dick

End Trans.

Fuck Off Brown

And anavvver fing who do ….

 

Yeah, I’ma  bit ‘ranty’ here so let’s not pay to much attention to anyhting I say.  That said…I couldn’t be more delighted about the England result last night, viva la tres liones etc.  As ever though there is a sinking feeling that goes with the good times, especially when you have been watching England since 1986 and have experienced more than just the modern spectacle of ‘fashionable, family friendly football’.  These people who make out that its the most important thing in their life in the same way they will run a marathon or get a tatoo.  Well I’m not a Nazi, this is a free country – everyone is welcome to the same degree as I am free to wish they would fuck off getting in the pub earlier than me and getting the good seats in front of the TV and ordering food so people who just want to get pissed and watch football.

 

Going back to the point, that I hadnt reall started. Why doesn’t Gordon Brown fuck off?  I don’t give a shit about Iraq, fuel prices, housing markets or much else to be fair but why doesn’t he fuck off (on behalf of anyone who he is speaking for)?  No-one kicked up a fuss when Setanta got the rights because we hadn’t been playing well.  So all these people need to do one and live in the real world, this is why Setanta paid the money and they weren’t outbid because England’s international fortunes were at a bit of a low.  The previous deal was with Sky – how was that any different?  Subscription based television all round.  Now I’m a fan of Sky, and of people being able to see highlights but I like football enough to subscribe to Sky and Setanta so I can see it. And if I couldn’t I would go to a pub and watch it (sometimes I do that even though I have Sky and Setanta – so there paupers). The reason I do this? Because I want to see England, I cant help it- even when I know it is going to be shit I still have to watch it in case we are fucking amazing out of nowhere. Like last night.  Yes viewing figures were low partially because of Setanta not having millions of subscribers. But Sky didn’t once upon a time, so they bought the rights to things people wanted to watch so people bought sky.  You cant have a go at Setanta just because they are smaller than Sky.  Viewing figures were also small because quite a few people thought we were gonna get beat and all the fly-by-nights normally sucked in by the hyperbole of the press werent sucked in by the papers going on about Fabio being a nob, and us being a big load of shit. (By the way it was good to see all the people admit they have unrealistic excpectations of England at times and shouldn’t go over the top so much go over the top about the game last night.  Let’s just be content with a good show eh and celebrate when we qualify).

 

One last point on this – Setanta did broadcast highlights at half ten, unscrambled so it wasn’t that different from ITV/BBC highlights packages…come on, everyone has a freeview box.

 

End Trans

 

Having My Collar Felt

Some worries are bigger than others. One of the things currently troubling me is shirt sizes. I don’t understand why they are based on collar sizes. Yes, I know that as there is corresponding chest size to each collar size one could say that they are separated by chest sizes; they aren’t marked up that way though are they? You have to root around the packaging to find out the chest size. The clothing industry has clearly decided that the collar size is the key factor. But isn’t it a jump to assume the size of a man’s torso based on his neck? For my part I was measured by a chap in the shop from which I was buying clothes and he told me I was a 16 ½ collar (“maybe you could get away with a 17” I don’t know what getting away with would entail in this scenario, but I knew I didn’t want to risk it) so I got some 16 ½ collar shirts. Laying one’s cards on the table this went against the beliefs of my better half who insisted I got 16 inch collars, though she couldn’t remember why and I went with trusting the man from the shop. He did have a tape measure, he must have had training and I didn’t have any reason to doubt him.

The shirts were too big for me. Not disastrously, but I like to feel smart when I’ve got a shirt on and that means a bit of a closer fit. That’s when my girlfriend remembered why I had got 16 inch shirts previously “the 16 ½ ones were too big for you and you didn’t like it because you preferred the closer fit of the 16 inch ones” she concluded correctly. At this stage I cant imagine there was a court in the land that would have convicted of anything other than having good character had I searched down the salesman from the shop and shot him once through the back of the head, gangland style. It may seem like an overreaction but it was the “might get away with a 17” remark. It would have been like trying to wear a circus big top. I’m wearing a 16 inch collar now and I’m quite comfortable so I think these so-called experts should think through what they say before they say it. There was no price difference between the sizes so it made no difference to his so-called bottom line. It makes me sick, and I think some people reading this may feel the way I felt, sadly not everyone has the same respect for the laws of this fine country as I do so I must ask, please don’t hunt down and kill the man from Debenhams in the Trafford Centre. But don’t trust him when he measures your neck.

I don’t even have a fat neck. It’s not a thin neck. But it’s not a fat one. I certainly don’t have an overly thin torso, so neither warrant why the shirts for my ideal collar size not fit me very well. On discussing this matter at work a wise colleague pointed out that this was the area of shirt making where there was least margin of error with regards fitting the wearer. It was the only sensible suggestion to the entire neck size driven shirt market debate. Still though, I don’t understand the strict regime at work here. I know that there are longer fitting shirts for taller gents but that’s typical of the special treatment given to the tall. But why arent there small, medium and large available in each collar size? It would seem there is a trend as  these devices exist for people whose collars are too tight for their (probably) fat bodies. Though my predicament would suggest I am too thin for my neck so shouldn’t really poke fun at these people who are too fat for their necks. I cant work that out in my head actually, are they the same as me? No, surely not I have gone down a neck size for a tighter fit. These people buying this have shirts with large necks because they are so fat – but their collar would be too big! I’ve got it, so they wouldn’t be buying this device at all – more likely to be eating I guess. These button devices are for cruelly damaged people like me. Still I think shirt designers need to buck up.

End Trans.

Profile Pics

It’s a hard thing to note when general trends stop/die out.  You can only do it form afar, time wise – I suppose that’s why they say hindsight is 2020 vision.  I make this statement of obvious as I noticed that I no longer see people’s profile picture on Facebook as a picture of Madeleine McCann (I worried about the spelling of her name here, as one should respect the spelling of the name of probably dead chidren).

That anyone would have done this in the first place is one of the things that I can’t make work in my head.  I don’t really want it to make sense though – for me I don’t want to recognise some degree of similarity in the brains of these people.  It’s the same as the other end of the scale with racists and peadophiles’, why do people say “I don’t understand why you would fancy a child;hate a person because they’re a colour/religion, et”.  You’re not supposed to, if their reasoning made sense to you then you’d be a paedophile nazi (not to mention a Sun reader, ironically).  Not for the first time I’ve meandered away from the point…oh yeah….

So these people whose thought process was something like It’s terrible that that innocent little girl has been kidnapped*, I feel so helpless there must be something I can do to help that poor, poor family.  But what?  What can I do? Wait a minute…yes…if i change my profile picture on the internet site I go on everyday, to send people fictional cocktails or work out what I would look like if I was a caravan, then that will help.  Surely when I decide to challenge someone to a game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ and rather than my face they see a picture of a small child they will see what a caring individual I am.  And then i will be doing something to help.  It’s definitely not a completely pointless exercise which though I believe is something significant and will somehow find a missing child(even though the only people who will see this are approximately 100 people who i know from school/college/current place of work and almost certainly know about the whole story anyway but wont think it is weird, in fact 30 or so of the women on my friends list will actually do the same), is actually just a gesture to show what a great person I am.

Or something like that.  But when did they decide it was no longer helpful.  Was it a wholesale movement and all change within a few days from these people who need to go out of their way to let it know they hate child killers?? (Everyone does dickheads).  I’m assuming there wasn’t an internal dialogue where they pretty much rationalised that it had been a few weeks too many and she was probably dead.  I think it was more likely someone put a picture on from a night out where they looked hilarious/attractive and their sense-of-humour/vanity took over the tremendous sense of humanity which had made them put a little ‘kidnapped’ girl’s face where theirs should have been. 

I shouldn’t complain though, it means they aren’t there anymore much like Mad….no, no that’s just in poor taste – it’s too soon

*These people didn’t entertain the notion that it was …you know….

Step Brothers

Finally got around to seeing this latest gem to spring from the head of Will Ferrell.  I make no bones about this – I think Ferrell is the bomb.  People getting fed up of him not trying something different?  So what?  He makes funny films.  Playing a likeable buffoon in a variety of sporting comedies over the past three years may have appalled some people, but I just laughed my arse off at all of them.  Yes, even Semi-Pro – which admittedly this was possibly the poorest of the Ferrell films to date (I’m not counting the rubbish ones such as Kicking and Screaming or Roxbury Nights).  Step Brothers was a change of sorts as it was neither set in the 1970s (Anchorman, Semi-Pro) or about sport (Talladega Nights, Semi-Pro, Blades of Glory).  It was a reuniting of the winning double act of Ferrell and his Talledega nights co-star John C Reilly and again they delivered.  One of the things some people miss when they either criticise or praise Ferrell’s shtick is his generosity as a comedian.  Once again Reilly get many of the tastier scenes and lines.  And once again he shines both in the spotlight alone or when he and Ferrell are together on screen.

 

The basic set-up is thus:  Will Ferrell is Brennan Huff, Reilly is Dale Doback. Brennan’s mum (Mary Steenburgen) and Dale’s Dad (Richard Jenkins) hook up and are married by the end of the title sequence.  The only hitch (no pun intended) is that Brennan and Dale are both 40 and still living at home acting as though they are spoiled 13-year-olds.  So when they move in together Brennan and Dale’s mutual hatred is not masked and they fight, physically and verbally, incessantly.  Fortunately hatred of Brennan’s younger, successful brother eventually makes the two realise they are peas in a pod “did we just become best friends?”.  Unfortunately for the newlyweds the pair as much trouble as friends as they were as enemies; Steenburgen’s caring patience with the two is at odds with the resentment at the menchildren refusing to grow up so he can retire and sail around the world.  So the denouement is set-up, can the step-brothers shed the childish ways and make men of themselves?  Can they save the marriage they can help tear apart?  I think you can guess.

 

While this film doesn’t quite hit the heights of Ferrell’s best films, there are numerous belly-laughs, and as usual these are farmed from broad jokes down to subtle sinister tweaks in the supporting cast.  Examples of the former include a couple of scenes in which Ferrell and Reilly are sleep-walking and a music video they make to try and launch their own company, while the latter includes some acapella singing from Ferrell’s character’s younger brother’s family (and yes that is the longest noun phrase I’ve ever created) doing acapella singing in the car and Brennan’s ‘relationship’ with his therapist.

 

It’s a satisfying film, if you want is a couple of hours of Ferrell and Reilly doing what they do best.  If you want something new and different from either of them then you’ll be disappointed, but I doubt you’ll be able to stifle the laughs under your high-concept wishes.

Transfer Deadline Day

All the excitement of the transfer window is now over, and for once it was actually pretty interesting.  It would take a biased idiot not to say the day belonged to Manchester City, I would say the day belonged to United for securing Berbatov.  Yes, I think we proved that we are truly exceptional wheeler dealers in this field – thinking we could treat Tottenham like little boys desperate for some sweets “now give us your Bulgarian sulker or we wont give you the £28 million and you can stay in your room until you’ve realised what the sensible thing to do is”.  Only there was a rich Saudi under Spurs’ bed offering £34 million, “But I only want 30…..no, no you’re right I do want 34….”.  Fortunately good sense prevailed and Fergie did his best Brian Clough and simply ignored rules and etiquette to get what he wants.  And I wanted.  So it’s ok. I’ll just judge other people who do stuff that doesn’t effect good things happening to me.

 

The main problem with the whole takeover at City is the majority of city fans I have to have day-to-day contact with.  I was impressed with these guys coming in and pledging money and going after Chelsea’s main transfer target, Robinho.  And getting him obviously (though, I’d be looking at someone to come for more reasons than money.  That said, it’s a better reason than someone not coming for no reason and you have to start somewhere).  It’s just people coming in and acting like that’s it, we’re the biggest club in the world and we will definitely win loads of trophies now.  And not being sarcastic about it.  It’s this thing where there’s no give-and-take with banter.  Yes, by all means have a go at United but there are people who act as though there is nothing to back up the statement that we’re the best team in England, or even Europe.  Well there is and until next May it just sounds a bit retarded to say Chelsea are the best team in the country.  So retards aside, button it. 

 

[I would like to add at this stage, nay clarify that I don’t mean all City fans.  I count a City fan amongst my nearest and dearest and he talks more sense than most about football.  He still talks a lot of shit mind.  As do we all.  I digress, I didn’t mean to single out City fans as most people annoy me and talk shit.  At my place of work most of the united fans talk utter wank about football, it’s just that I’m a United fan so it’s ingrained to focus upon the negatives of City and ignore the positives of City.  For what its worth – absolutely nothing – the only forum that makes me laugh (in a good way) is the city forum bluevibe which is full of quite funny chaps and quite a lot of not funny wankers, while united forums such as UWS and Red Issue are just full of the latter.]

 

It was, as I said, all very intriguing.  Like an election night that I was actually interested in or something.  Which is an area of sports broadcasting Sky Sports News could maybe borrow from the next time the proverbial cash-filled window frame is slamming shut.  Yes it was exciting seeing the clock tick down and having a posh man with 3 (three!) mobile phones in front of him.  Yes, seeing a presenter receive and read out a text message from Joey Barton was good (though I found it hard to believe Joey’s natural text vernacular was on display here).  I don’t think I would be alone in enjoying a Peter Snow-esque swing-o-meter come in to play when rival clubs are going after the same player “and despite a massive swing towards Eastlands the Berbatovometer swung sharply back towards Old Trafford with the news that Sir Alex Ferguson was coincidentally waiting at the airport with his back door open when Berbatov needed a taxi”.  Another possibility might be league tables for the end of the season being predicted after each transfer.  It would be all very stupid and pointless but then so is most of sports journalism and I would enjoy Geoff Stirling barking “and by failing to land Frazer Campbell on loan Predictobot tells us this will now mean Hull will definitely be relegated unless they can sign one Championship centre-half and secure a loan deal for a young Arsenal forward”.